Clark's Eye on Books

Clark I reviews books and sometimes writes them!

Time goes by, this nobody can prevent even if there intensions and will wish it were not so and as much as I in my thoughts am longing to reenter the past I can not for the past is not a place nor a time but images of things that have transformed themselves in to the present.

Part One

As for myself; I am 82 years of age and so much time has passed between that winter in which started me to being what I always knew myself capable of being which is a man of internal fortitude. It seems strange to me that the number of years separating me from the joy and love I learnt of from my grandmother are not so many but the events that have transpired since suffice to make it all seem as if in another lifetime.

My grandmother was my great love as I was hers for it was she who out of desperation for warmth let me see what my age forbade me from experiencing in a way that was not incest even if she was my grandmother. She was my grandfather’s wife and by virtue of that position I considered her to be my grandmother even if she was not my father’s mother who in fact died without my ever knowing her or ever seeing neither photograph nor painting of her. Maria Anna Grekowa was her full name and she was born in Russia (in the year 1900) before it became the Soviet Union that took away everything she and her family had worked so hard to earn as it was the “October Revolution” that brought not only the Soviets to power but caused her family’s exodus form their country of birth. How much her family had lost I could imagine as she often though with neither a sense of loss nor boastful intensions did she talk about those majestic parties that had been held in her family mansion near Saint Petersburg. Grand her life must have been I thought to myself as her tales created paintings in my mind of the stories it was bringing to life for hers were such colorful descriptions that it was as if she were telling an adventure we had both shared. Once she even told me that she would not have discussed such matters with me if she felt that I did not come from the same kind of family like hers which put so much value on those things that make one noble.

With regards to Maria’s relationship with my family it started in the year 1928 (the same year I was born in and the year of her arrival in America) when John Smith, a close friend of my grandfather introduced her to him in the hope she might become our governess which our house was very much in need of specially since my mother had died in the act of bringing me in to the world.

By the time Maria was thirty years of age she had spent some time; first living in France and then in England where she first got and held on to her post as governess for three years until she met John Smith who convinced her to come to America where he knew of a family which was more in need of her and had better financial means to provide her with higher wages. In reality it can be said that John Smith was indirectly responsible for her ever reaching the United States as he was the one to convince her that her talents as governess would not only be more appreciated by a family like mine; not only in the monetary manner but also in every
other. He told her that my family had suffered a great loss as my mother had died in child birth leaving not only a child motherless but a house in disarray with need for a refined lady’s touch.

It was with this knowledge that she accepted to cross the Atlantic to a country which she had never had the slightest inclination of visiting, always believing it to lack that grace she had known in her native Russia and all the other places in Europe she visited.

Looks wise I describe her with fear that my adoration for her might not permit me to see her with neutral eyes but how else might her beauty impact on my being? She as far as my memory takes me, had hair a red as fire which she kept long till her dying day always wearing it tied up and never releasing it unless it was in her own privacy or that of whom she wished to share with. It was this curly shoulder length hair that was my delight to gaze upon and run my fingers through when I was a child and later when our relationship turned carnal. Hers was not only hair; for she had a face that had all the features I had in years of childhood always associated with motherly affection. Eyes, a light green which told me how much of me she could see and this above all was what made her face special to me as the rest though pleasing
to the eye with a nose and mouth that only fit to match her eyes were mere companions in the delightful portrait that was she.

Maria’s body however was one that I did not take a notice to at least till adolescence when the opposite gender was what preoccupied my mind for at first she was my mother in the way she was the one I looked to play the role. Naturally I was always made aware that she was not the one who had given birth to me but it was hard for me see this as a factor that should dissuade me from thinking of her in the manner other children my age thought of the person who took care of them. She despite all her motherly care perhaps for the reason she was not entered my eyes through a whole new light when puberty approached me as her tall slender body became more apparent. How much added worthiness did those shapely mounds gain when my age arrived at the point where I was able to appreciate them along with the rest of her womanly features which contrasted mine so nicely.

Naturally it was not Maria who had changed but my perception of her given the development my body was undergoing due to the period of my life I found myself in. She at that point in my life had become a woman as she had also become one to my father who started a courtship of her that would end up in marriage.

Now, if it is about myself that I must speak of I will say this, my name is Tom Faust and I am average in height standing at 5 feet 6 inches. This being a height I reached at an early age in life and never went beyond with weight that is well proportioned. I really can’t say much about my face as it neither provides me pride nor shame as I do not consider my looks to be outstanding in anyway but what I will describe is the vague details such as my eyes which are blue, nose which is not straight but small with lips that are just that.

With regards to my family it was my father, grandfather and grandmother who were the ones I grew up with at least till the age of 14 when during the summer of 41 my grandmother died leaving a sadness that my grandfather never really got over. Financially speaking most people would classify my family as being wealthy though we really were not as much as most people who saw our estate thought. It being true we did have more then most or enough to have household servants but we never really did recover to the monetary position we held before the “great depression”.

My life began with the death of my mother I am sad to say but despite this I can not claim to have had a sad childhood as it was spent in a big house in the country that allowed me when ever I was not being occupied with school work or the many chores my grandfather kept me busy with to live out my childhood fantasies. How many an hour would I spend on the lake rowing the boat my father gave me believing I was traveling the world looking for adventure. So much did I experience in this house that it would be hard to imagine that my childhood could have taken place any where else under any other set of circumstances.

There is not much I can say about my mother in the way she died before I had a chance to even see her with eyes that remember let alone spend any time with but I can not help but wonder when confronted with the memory of the many pictures I saw of her how she must of loved me. She gave birth to me and lost her life doing so knowing their was risk which she faced bravely for me or perhaps because she wanted a part of her to out life her. Who knows but what I do hold certain in my knowledge is that I loved her even though I never met her. It was only through what my father and grandfather (not her father) that I learnt of how she took care of the family and helped it along that we were able to not loose all that we had in the way
so many families had during the depression.

It actually seems strange to me when I look back on how my mind associated Maria with the stories I had heard of my mother in a way that made them seem as if they had been about her. I of course knew it was not she who was being described but still it was something my mind could not avoid doing for it was she who was playing the role of my mother.

My life was for the most part joyful, living in a big house in Long Island with my
grandparents, father and Maria or at least till my grandmother died of a cause I was never informed of in the summer of 1941. It was not that my family was foreign to loss but my grandmother’s death transformed almost all in a way that made my father see that he should find another mate in life as what sense was their in living out the rest of ones life in mourning. My father had basically thrown himself in to his work and the family business since the death of his wife as much for the sake of having less time to think of his wife’s death then as a way of increasing the family fortune but his was a lonely life. He wanted and needed someone but who? He had me, his son, who would be suitable? Maria had been suggested by my grandmother before she died as a possible candidate for my father to take to wife as she had been with the family for a long time and was cherished by all.

We all knew it would be the best thing but it was my grandmother who argued on her death bed not that my father needed all that much convincing that Maria would be ideal for him as she had not only accepted his son but had already taken care of him since his birth having gained not only his affections but having replied to them with her own. Another reason why I gathered my grandmother supported the view that my father should wed Maria was that she knew Maria wanted a child of her own but unfortunately was not in years that would allow her the luxury of being able to wait much longer. I don’t doubt my grandmother’s words had their influence but I also don’t think my father was the kind to marry a woman whom he did not feel something for despite what anybody might have said.

With regards to being in love this is something I did not understand or know much about at the time so this is why it would be hard for me to say if it was love or perhaps a longing to legitimize her position in my life as a relative if not a mother. Of course with time I even came up with other theories of my own that saw my father getting married to Maria due to his longing to in a way give her something for not only all she had given his family but lament for how much he felt life had taken away from her.

My grandmother’s death came at a time when my country, the United States of America was on the verge of going to war as talk was every where about how it would not be long before we were at war with Japan, Germany and Italy. I even believe that this was another reason that lead to my father’s decision to wed Maria as he who had not had any sort of romantic life after my mother’s death wanted someone to come home to at a time when he decided to rejoin the Navy.

Part Two

It to a certain extent was even ironic that it was Maria who given the state of world affairs reassured my father that going back in to the Navy was the right thing to do specially since he had been a Naval officer during the first world war but how could she or anybody have foreseen what occurred on December 8 at Pearl Harbor? So many were killed that day as we were pulled in to the war which later would be dubbed “World War 2” by an attack that claimed my father’s life.

The attack on Pearl Harbor left our nation shocked but as much as it might have lead America to action it also lead my family to despair specially my grandfather who had seen his wife of many a long year as well as only son die in the span of less than half a year. He wanted so much to do something but his age was not his ally as quit the contrary he was old. What could he do? He had like my father also served in the Navy so it was with a great deal of determination that he joined once again as a commissioned officer to serve much to his disappointment in Washington as a desk officer instead of one on a battle ship or aircraft carrier like his heart had been set on. My grandfather did not feel good about not being sent to where the fighting was taking place but was convinced by an admiral friend of his that his
experience could be put to better use in Washington after all he was 70 years of age and a veteran of both “The Great War” and “The Spanish-American War”.

However my grandfather’s decision to rejoin the military did not come till after Christmas and New Year’s day of the year after Pearl Harbor; so it was with great grief rather then festivities that the three of us my grandfather, Maria and I tried to celebrate Christmas. I had always enjoyed Christmas as a day on which our house was decorated to the maximum; so that it might play host along with our family to all our relatives who would come over for dinner on Christmas day. How ostentatious those gatherings had been as all our relatives and friends would never forget to make a stop over at our house to partake in those feasts prepared by my grandmother that included just about everything one could ever imagine set on a table that was 12 feet long.

The tree was also magnificent as it seemed to be the tallest thing I had ever seen in my life because every year we would bring in one from our forest that seemed to surpass the previous one. The presents under the tree were also a sight to behold as there was something for everyone with me always being the biggest recipient.

It was every year that this followed but not that year as grandmother was no longer alive to prepare the feast and my father had also been taken from us just as he and Maria had been married in a rather small wedding as father had to leave almost immediately after to join his ship out in Hawaii. It was a truly depressing period in my life which could not have come at a worse time of year as far as I was concerned not that something like what had happened could have come at a good time of year but it coming at the time of year it did only served to make things several times worse.

What was sadder yet was that it was not just Christmas that had been ruined but all that lead up to it as the time before the actual day to me had seemed as special as the day it self but now we would have none of that. My grandfather did not even want to hear the word “Christmas” as news of his son’s demise added to the one he had gotten about his wife less then half a year before disheartened him to the point of taking to drink. Something he had never done in large amounts.

As for my own grief this was something I could also not bare given I too had lost two people whom I never considered being without so it was with tears that I faced this time however my sadness was different then that of my grandfather’s. I wanted to at least try to enjoy Christmas as much as I could in the hope that the loneliness of spirit which had come over me would let me be at least during the time that I spent in preparing for Christmas but unfortunately my grandfather felt the celebrating of Christmas at least as far as that year was concerned to be improper.

Maria was also grieving my family’s losses for my family was hers and my father had been her husband even if just for a brief period of time given that they had gotten married on December 5. One day before my father went away to Hawaii. With regards to my grandmother this was the loss I believe she felt even more deeply then that of my father as they had become very close to the point of giving me the impression that Maria had in part married my father because she knew it was what my grandmother wanted.

As for the whole affair that changed my life it began on Christmas eve which found my house dark and empty of guests with only my grandfather, Maria and myself there to share the moment that was. It really was not a case of this not being enough company or wrong kind but the mood that had been set in the house by not only those whom death had taken away but the tension that had been created by my grandfather. My grandfather not only had not allowed for anybody to come to the house he had gone as far as to not even allow us to plan any sort of celebrating for this occasion claiming it was his house and that was the only way he would have it.

I so much wanted to tell my grandfather what Christmas signified to me and maybe by doing something for Christmas it would perhaps give our minds a break from our tragic losses but it was no use as when I approached my grandfather I could see that alcoholic beverages where lending soil to his disposition which had been among the sweetest I had ever known. It was exasperating for me but there was really nothing I could do.

Arguably the dinner I had with my grandfather who was as inebriated as I had ever seen him and Maria whom I could also sense had had some spirits of her own on that day was even more depressing then the funeral. The situation was strange as I sat there trying to eat what was in front of me while listening to my grandfather trying to get out words through his slurring as I did not want to say anything from fear of saying the inappropriate. So incomprehensible were his words that I had no idea what he was talking about or to whom he was speaking to or if his were questions but one thing was sure I wanted to finish up fast and go to my room so I could cry like I had so wanted to.

I really am not certain what it was that kept me from breaking out in tears at the table, maybe it was not wanting my grandfather to react toward it but there was something that kept my emotions hidden from my grandfather but not from Maria. She knew I was anxious to go to bed but could see I had not finished my food so with her looking at me I suddenly got the idea to go to bed. I just said “I am finished, I am going to bed now good night, grandpa”. It was just as I was about to go off to my room that my grandfather who was sitting at the other side of this table and could not see my plate which I had not emptied asked Maria if I had finished my dinner to which Maria lied on my behalf saying I had. My grandfather did not say anything after that; not even good night as Maria winked at me in solidarity.

I remember going to my bedroom with the knowledge that the following day would be
Christmas yet not with the feelings of joy that usually accompanied me on the night known as Christmas eve. This night was different as the following day Christmas would be only a day on the calendar but nothing else as all that I associated with this day would not be. There would be no family to share the day, no dinner that was special for the occasion, no presents, no decorations and above all my father and grandmother would not be there even if the memory of them would not go out of my mind.

Once in my bedroom with sadness all about me from not only my mind but everything that surrounded me I went to bed where I turned out the light on my night table so I could look out the large window. I really do not know what it was about the view from my bedroom window that always managed to set my mind to wonder about as my eyes took in the view that went as far as the horizon. So beautiful was the sight that went as far as the eye could see and how this view was dear to me; only I knew as I had never enjoyed it with anybody. Perhaps my fears lay along the lines of having it taken away from me if I were to share it. Perhaps this may seem inane now but then it did not as this view was special just because it was mine and
whenever I let my eyes wonder through out it so was it that my mind did the same. On occasions my mind would wonder so far from the scope of my life that it seemed that I had stepped out of who I was and the life I knew as this view let my mind look at things from such a dispassionate point that I forget myself and the person I was and turned in to only a mentality that saw the world for what it was instead of the from the person I was.

As far as that particular night is concerned there was snow to be seen everywhere covering everything in white making my mood even more melancholic as it added to the feeling of Christmas which was not inside me. In a way that night my sentiments were alien to me as I cried without fully realizing the motive behind my teas. Were they for my father who had been killed abroad a ship in Hawaii or perhaps for my grandmother who had also passed away not long ago or were they for myself whose life had been changed in a way that would never include the society of those he had lost? This I did not think of at the time as despair was all around me which was being aggravated by the Christmas that we could not celebrate due to my grandfather’s drunken behavior who had even labeled it as immoral to even think of it. It was under these circumstances that Maria entered my room as she too was being dragged down by the weight of tragic loss and grief over how this time of year which normally held so much cheer was now bringing all the opposite.

Part Three

I had seen Maria enter my bedroom late at night so many times and for so many reasons during the time she had been with us that it did not catch my attention until that night. There was something rare about her that night as she came in to my room wearing her white nightgown and sat on my bed turning on my night lamp as she could see that I was not asleep.

As the light went on the vision of her made its way to the back of my mind which was seeing her really for the first time as a woman who was in need of comfort as was I and as she saw me she knew I wanted to talk to her like I had done so many times in the past. Maria really did not look different but there was something about her that night that let me know that this visit she was making to my bedroom was not only for me but for herself as well. Her eyes as she sat up on my bed while I lay told me she had come to tell me something she needed me to hear as if I could offer her any words of wisdom.

“Are you having trouble sleeping?” were her first words to me as she sat on my bed holding my hand as if she contrary to what had always been expected me to listen to her. “No, I am not having trouble sleeping, I could fall asleep but I prefer to just think about things for awhile” was my answer as I looked in to Maria’s eyes which I detected were looking at me differently then they ever had. “I also have to think a lot about what happened and maybe it is good to think about things so we can understand” Maria replied as she continued to hold my hand and look at my face and as our eyes looked at one anther’s and she smiled in a way that seemed unnatural. She was beautiful to gaze upon and particularly that night as she had
something that made her attractive and more so to a boy my age given the changes my body was undergoing that gave me the taste for the opposite sex.

“I came to talk because we have not had chance to since your father died, you know I am sad too, he was my husband and I did love him” Maria spoke out almost as if trying to justify her decision or perhaps convince me of what I already knew to be true with tears in her eyes as if she were really talking to my father; Walter. Maybe she was seeing him when she looked at me as I had been told that I resembled my father in so many ways. It was a weird sensation as Maria cried in front of me and had spoken to me in a way usually reserved for a more advance
age then mine. I then while seeing Maria cry sensed for the first time what she must have been going through and in a way felt a certain proud feeling of adulthood knowing that she had come to share her feelings with me like I had done on so many occasions in the past with her. She even seemed warm in the weakness she portrayed that I could no longer lay back as I sat up and looked at her directly in the face as I took both of her hands in mine causing her to lean her head on my shoulder. We were now entering new ground in our relationship as the
moment and her soft body next to mine propelled me to embrace her taking her seemingly by surprise as she did the same to me like we had done when we heard the news of my father’s demise.

We held on to each other for a few seconds with me not knowing what to say or do as she hugged me in a way no one ever had. Her breast covered by her nightgown which were being pressed against my chest were making me feel different sensations which then given my lack of experience were new making me feel oddly like a child while at the same time like something unknown to me was going to happen.

A kiss was the next thing I felt but it was not like the ones I had received till that moment as there was something different not that she planted it on my mouth but the manner which she did it that started to excite me in a way I had never known before. My actions at that time were limited as she in the emotions of all that engulfed us gave in to something that till this day I do not know and kissed me on the mouth in a way that scared me at first till it excited me. It was all new to me; making me close my eyes as her soft lips touched mine. Our lips meeting softly till instinctively our tongues made their way to one another as they started to taste each other in an action that we performed with eyes that did not see, us being on the
verge of going further though I did not know at the time how.

At that point my male aggression started to take over however with more desire then wisdom of what it was that I should do. My hands taking to her body at first clumsily over her nightgown. Maria may not have been more experienced as she in a strange fluke had not actually consumed her marriage with my father who had planed to introduce her to the world of sexual intercourse during the honeymoon they had planned to take in Hawaii where she had agreed to meet him but she at least knew what needed to be taught.

My root was hard as could be and my hands were busy as her hands did the same but was there an aim to all we did apart from caressing like we were already doing? Suddenly Maria stopped giving me the false impression that I had done something wrong which scared me as she might leave or worse tell my grandfather but it was not with such intensions. She laid down on my bed and in front of me removed her nightgown over her head leaving her body completely in the nude to my eyes that were receiving her sexuality which made me frightened as it made my pulse raise with anticipation of what might come. I really did not know what to do then as this was something I had never envisioned or planned; yes I had thought of touching Maria’s legs but that was as far as my mind could take things.

Maria realizing her pupil was untutored after having exposed herself fully, breast and lower part which I could see had a lump of hair that was as red as the one on her head and seeing my bewilderment; said in tone of voice that showed the tension that must have been hers “touch my body, please”. It was not that I did not want to but the feeling of doing this which I never thought would be mine at that age scared me, making my body tremble as if with chills. As I slowly started to touch her body it felt like it was something I should not but yet wanted to perhaps because I should not have. Everything was making my instinct take over which touched her breast and instinctively was followed by my lips and tongue.

Naturally I was in complete ignorance to what Maria’s body was undergoing as I savored her with my hands which were being guided by her to the parts that needed to be taken care of. I kissed her in the mouth like I had done with eyes shut as she led my hands all over her body till I felt the hair between her legs which felt strange in its moisture as my finger to my shock entered. I felt surprise which made me stop what I was doing and open my eyes in alarm as my finger had gone in to the part of her anatomy that was as new to me as the male presence was new to it. There was something oily about its feel as I continued to touch now only conscience of this motion which I thought was even painful to her as she made sounds as if in
discomfort. She must have noticed my apprehension as she told me to continue saying between breaths “please do it, more I like it”. At first the feeling had been strange but now it took on pleasure which I felt made her more and more animated as if growing in desperation perhaps for me to stop or go on. As for me I was now lost in that which I could not understand but knew it was what I wanted.

Once again Maria did something, she stopped our actions and suddenly without saying a word and moving with a purpose she removed my clothes like she had done when she would give me bathes and laid me down on the bed. She was now in complete control and I minded not in the very least that my body was being used by her or perhaps it was the other way around as she after having removed every stitch of clothes from my body, sat on me putting one of her legs on each side. At first I did not know what were her intensions, her taking this position in which she took my root in her hand and placed it so that it might slide in to her womanly

This exploit of her placing my root inside her and sitting down with all her weight created slight pain in me as I felt myself penetrate the same area of her body my finger had known only not with so much ease as I heard her also cry out in pain which I saw on her face as she descended toward me.

I did not know what to do as I was confused should I stop but I felt a great sensation like none other I had experienced before that combined discomfort with sheer joy. Once she had made her way down I noticed she started to move up and down making the sensation spectacular particularly in the moments the edge of her red rose passed over the top of my root giving, something I had never had before not that I had not touched this part of my body but never like this.

Fear suddenly replaced my ecstasy when I felt a wetness around where she was and as I looked I could see it was blood or so it appeared making me ask almost in the horror that was my guilt “Are you bleeding? Am I hurting you?”. She then stopped moving up and down and bent her body toward me and said looking me directly in the eye in a voice that almost laughed “Don’t worry! You are not hurting me, it is not pain, it happens to all women who do what we are doing for first time. I like it. Do you like it?” I felt slightly embarrassed as she leaned over me and nodded my head in the affirmative which made her kiss my forehead as she straightened up again and continued the motion on my root which was strangely telegraphing sensations all through out my body.

“What are we doing?” suddenly I asked which made her reply “We are making love!” before continuing only more intensely giving the sensation that slowly something was stirring in me that was going to make something come out. I even believed that I had to go to the bathroom. This new awareness which seemed to be creeping up on me was getting stronger as I was more and more convinced that I was going to urinate and should say something “I am sorry but I think I have to go to the toilet” I suddenly cried out. She again smiled at me as she continued not ceasing up and said “don’t worry it is not that, it something else”. Mine was not
disbelief that lead me to question her but my own conviction of what I was feeling “Are you sure it is not that?”. “Yes, I am sure please trust me” were here words as she continued with the pressure getting stronger in me for something to explode which it did even though I tried to prevent it. Wonder which I could not describe other then it was what it was!

Once it came out in an action which seemed to last several minutes, I was lost needing to know what it was that my body had unconstrained so I inquired with fear “What was it?”. Maria who seemed to have felt what I had done even more strongly then me said getting off me and putting on her clothes “It was beauty, tomorrow I tell you or maybe show you what it was but now I leave your room and go, good night and please say nothing to your grandfather about what we do” was her reply before leaving my room.

Part Four

Maria left in a hurry apparently needing to get something or perhaps running away from something but what? I for my part also needed to think about things as I was left there wondering if what we had done would have any implications apart from the action itself. I in Maria’s absence was left in a bed covered in blood which stained the white sheets and I sat with mixed emotions as I started examining myself to find out what fluid had been created from inside me that according to Maria was not urine.

I also started wondering what I was going to do about my bed that had had its sheet bled on but then I just thought I did not have to sleep with a sheet and just as I was about to remove it, Maria came back to my bedroom carrying a clean white sheet which she changed for the one her blood had gotten on.

I really don’t know what she wanted but I asked her to stay in bed with me not so we might repeat what we had done but so she might be with me in this moment where all was new. She agreed though she did warn of caution because my grandfather just might though it was highly unlikely given all he had drank wake up in the middle of the night.

It was actually during the night that we held on to each other that she told me what we had done and what could happen as a result of which that I understood everything from what liquid my body had released to why she had bleed. She even told me that the two us were rare in having made love. Me at such a young age and her for having it for the first time at such an advanced stage of life.

The night which we spent in each other’s arms discovering what treasures were to be found in what neither of us had known passed us by and though I can not claim what Maria was experiencing, I can describe mine. Her body was truly a woman’s for me. Her breast being so soft yet firm to the touch while her belly was nicely rounded and above all pleasant as was the rest of her which she claimed to be old but not to me as to my lust she was everything. Her long legs my hands passed over always ending up in the place where she had a patch of hair that hide the spring of her womanhood. This I did as if a child who could not get enough of a
teddy bear he had just gotten.

How she felt was indescribable and more so the way it made me feel to have the woman whom I had admired for so many years finally to myself giving herself to me, telling me in deeds that I was not a child anymore but a young man capable of pleasing a mature woman with my body.

This alone would have sufficed to elevate my ego beyond anything however there was more to Maria who was a woman who had more then surface beauty. She had a grace about her in everything she did from the way she walked to the way she sat down, always with her head high that gave away an aristocratic back ground that was so plain to see and how much more this was apparent to my eye when she had shared herself in passion with me.

It was during that Christmas that I discovered many things which now seem so obvious as I observed how touches created desire. It was as dawn approached that I started kissing her mouth strongly when my urge had been reanimated by the hope that she would want to make love again. It seemed strange to me how one thing lead to another, how one touch lead to the next and how soon my root was made ready for her to get on top of like she had done before but this time she did something different.

She took the part of my body that came to be very hard when ever agitated and while I was lying on my back she kissed it almost as if she were kissing a dove. So slight was the touch of her lips that it only left me wanting more of this which she gave me when she passed her tongue over it before taking it in to her mouth. It was incredible for me to see or to imagine someone could to what she was doing as this had always been the part of my body I had always been to told to wash my hands after having touched for it was dirty. How she could do this was something beyond me even if it was an enchanting sensation that was producing in me the same urges to release like I had done before.

Of course it seems incredulous to me now looking back at how high my energy level was that I could do what I had done and yet still want more as if this was not ample to have spent so much of myself but still I wanted her again not that she having renounced her virginity less then a day ago did not long for the same. She did and even though her concern might have been for me to conserve my energy, her desire for what life had taken her so long to present her with was strong even to the point of going against all convention.

Our kisses I remember by then had become more intensive with my tongue taking the initiative while my hands surged forward to please and be pleased as we both explored to the point where it was my mouth being guided by my tongue that had taken over for my hands. The taste of the flesh had become my enjoyment. My tongue making its way down to Maria’s stomach and to the place between her legs where her hair was so soft and red that I kissed it softly around the edges as I sensed her body shake with every touch.

She was almost shivering as my head found itself between her legs prompting her to lead me up to the missionary position which was the second position she instructed me on. This was different because it gave me more control over what I did as now it all depended on my movements that sent my root inside and outside of her with the force I through my own improvisation was generating by pulling myself up from the top of the bed.

Up till that point I had not really taken the time to see how divine she looked when
performing this act but now that I was seeing her. She was a picture of delight in the way she closed her eyes as if grasping for air with her body twitching to everyone of my trusts as if they were sending sensations to every point in her body. The expression on her face was one as if she were floating; making her appear more lovely then ever to my eyes as I again delivered my seed in the very core of her womanhood as she cried out.

Eventually the sun came up on that night which had changed my whole life and we had to join my grandfather for lunch who given his late night drinking had not managed to wake up any sooner. My grandfather naturally was completely in the dark about what Maria and I were involved with when he joined us at the dinning room table for lunch which was a typical meal however my grandfather in a way had changed. He seemed to have grown cheerier as if he had come to realize during the night that not celebrating Christmas would not make matters worse, so he apologized to Maria and me; telling us that he would make it up to us next year.
With regards to Maria and me, we continued drawing from the well we had found when ever we were not in view of anybody. How many times did we make love and in how many places does not matter but what does is that it was a time with an intensity which I knew would never come back for life only delivers one such occasion.

Sometimes, I think how could we have done what we did without anybody catching on like one of the other servants or my grandfather but they did not even when at the table suddenly Maria stretched out her foot which she used to stroke without anybody noticing (an aunt and uncle of mine being present) the part of my body which had become the source that bounded our joy. Oh, how exhilaration and craving took over my body as she performed this simple yet erotic act under the table with all watching but nobody seeing; that I made up some excuse to get her to accompany me to the kitchen. She naturally was aware of what it was I wished but
could not have envisioned my minds invention which was to take her from behind while her attention was in getting something out of the pantry which forced her to bend over.

The daring of the youthful and desperate was the fuel that lasted us all through out not only the holidays that stretched from Christmas to New Year’s Eve but beyond the point that it was discovered that our carnality had yielded a child which my grandfather naturally amused was a product of his son and not his grandson. How he would have been shocked was something which Maria and I calculated would be better untested so it was with this in mind that Maria and I let him believe what conventional wisdom dictated.

My grandfather had always admired Maria from a far so it was with the idea that Maria not be an unwed mother that he took her to wife. His wedding to Maria also made it easier for him to leave her half his earthly possessions and for her to adopt me when he passed away a month after the following Christmas.

Maria left me for good when the number of my years had gone up to 18 with a daughter whose birth certificate falsely accredits as being my sister and that is the way her knowledge of the truth has remained. Tatiana went on to be raised by my wife Victoria, one of Maria’s much younger cousins who came to join us when Maria’s death was near. Victoria and I had a son (Thomas) and a daughter (Megan) making ours a happy marriage and home.

With regards to my feelings for Maria this I can not deny that they were true love as she made me see through her aristocratic background what a person like me as well as a family like mine could amount to if we took full advantage of all the possibilities our position gave us. To many people however Maria’s behavior would cast her in the mold of immoral and this they have the right to think if this is what their believes dictate to them. I however do not believe my moral fiber to be more corrupt then those who would take this line of thought regarding my grandmother but different as I see what they may not wish to.

Maria was 42 years of age when she was diagnosed with a terminal cancer that should have ended her life in a little over a year. She was also a woman who had never experienced the pleasures of the flesh as she had been raised to repudiate unmarried sex which along with the desire to have a child prompted her to marry my father; who got killed before he even had a chance to bring this sensation to her. Maria to my way of seeing things did nothing that her extreme circumstances did not warrant to have a child of her own which was all she longed for and this is what would have happened had my father not been killed. It was with this backdrop of the despair that surrounded her life that lead to our affair that went on to her dying day.

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